Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”
“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.
“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
“No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.
“Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.”
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?” The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?” The poor man astutely responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.”
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said “We sell everything”. Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, “Do you really sell everything?” The salesperson said “Yes, everything”.
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said “OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?”. The salesperson said “A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back”. Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. “Here you go, one jumper for a chicken”
“How much?” asked Paddy.
“Three quid.” replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken – excellent.” said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson “Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what’s going on?”
The salesperson replied, “Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock.”
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says “I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad.”
The olive says “That’s nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza.”
The penis says “You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up”
Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. “You think that’s bad” said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said “from all the guys at the fire station – we’ll miss you”