Adam is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It”s been flickering for weeks now”. He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don’t think so”. Fine, then the wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right ” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don’t think so”. “Fine”, she says “then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break ” “I”m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps”. He says, “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!” So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey”, he asks, “How did all this get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.” Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty fuck or bake a cake”. He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake?” She replied, “Hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don”t think so!”
Milkman brings milk to blondes door. notices, note, says please i need 5 gal. today to take a milk bath. In dismay Man rings bell. Blonde in robe opens door, milkman says “5 gal mam ,dont you mean 5qts.” She says no gallons, “I’m taking a milk bath today.” The milkman asks “Ok how would you like that pasteurized?” Woman replies, “No just up to my boobs!”
A boy is walking home from school and he has to find 4 words and make a sentence So he sees a plane taking off so he writes down take off Then he walks passed a Zoo and he writes down zebra Then he is at home and he is thinking of another word he sees his baby brother so he writes down Baby Then he said to his teacher. Take off zebra baby
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don’t touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don’t smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don’t do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven’t touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
Drunk Blonde A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”
A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, my parents will fuck. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman, AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!
A Man, His Wife And The Cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, “What’s the problem officer?” Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!” The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” Wife says, “No officer, only when he’s drunk.”