Husband Having Affair with Secretary

A married man and his secretary were having torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he’d been. The man replied, “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.” The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, “I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you?”

Wife with Lover in Bed

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

When Drunk Husband Gives Advise

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum replied, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked the bum, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

CEO is Always Dumb

There was a new CEO at a company who decided to fire all of the slackers, and when he gets done with that, he finds a dude leaning on his desk. He thinks “What the #$%#@ is he doing!?” So he walks up to the guy and says “What the #$%#@ are you doing!?” The guy says “I’m waiting to get paid.” The CEO says “OK, how much do you get paid in a week?” The guy says “About $300.” The CEO gives the guy $1200, and says “Now go away and never come back!” The guy walks away. The CEO says “Will someone please tell me what the #$%#@ I just did!?” An employee says “You just tipped the pizza man $1600.”

Young Woman Deliver A Baby

A young woman goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you your baby is black. The woman says “Well I was in desperate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black.” The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of my business. The woman didnt seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. The woman says “They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and she needed the money.” The nurse brings the woman her baby and the mother turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled “What the hell are you doing?” The woman looks the nurse square in the eyes and says “I wanted to make sure it didn’t bark too.”

Teacher Asks for Being Late

A student comes late to school. His teacher asked him “Why were you late to school?” Student: “My mom and dad were fighting.” Teacher: “What does your parents fighting have to do with you being late for school?” Student: “One of my shoes was in my mom’s hand and the other one was in dad’s hand…